Baby You'd Be There

Once you left work and almost got fired
Just to see me shine

It means so much when someone sees you shine

I can't tell if I'm shining if no ones there to see

As I sit on the stage holding back stupid childish tears,
yawning not out of boredom but out of sheer exhaustion because I have been working my ass off at not only
this, but at work and school and life, as well

I realize this is what its all about.
It's about feeling like shit, because something let you down, and pushing through it
using that emotional charge to get lifted up to where you need to be.

It's about feeding off of those close to you,
Taking their energy for your own,
knowing that they love you and care and
so does everyone seated below you and those controlling things from above.

Its about paying attention to small details storing them for complements later,
sharing that vagina love.

Its about appreciating those 2 people sitting by themselves in the audience
knowing you have their support and that is all you need.

Its about the effort put in and
then that moment of peace
when the lights hit your face
and you stand
and the words flow out of your mouth like rain from the sky.
The easiness amazes you and you're away, but you're there and you disappear in what you say

                     And its such a lovely feeling, you know.

I'm Stupid, but Happy.

I started writing this last night and it turned into something not appropriate for the internet at this time. I will post it somewhere eventually I am sure.

But today I proclaimed myself the most awkward creature ever.

There are millions of people more awkward than me. I know that. Awkward Bob down the street knows that.

I am not awkward, when I am confident or I know or I know you don't like me.
but oh boy iffffff you like me
and I don't know you very well
shit.

I suck at flirting, I know how. I do, I swear.

I can do it in the car, after initial interactions.

and I kick myself for not saying that witty clever thing that I know would have made you fall madly in love with me.

I suck.

I can act like I am flirting.

I can flirt with gay guys or girls or old people.

But not with people I actually like, unless I know they like me too and even then...

I still suuuuuuuuuck!
----------------------------------------------------
Interaction

Boy who might like me and who I like for sure: Hey

Sarah: Hey

Boy(looks at Sarah)

Sarah(tries to smile and turns away and leaves)
------------------------------------------------

Fuck, I suck.

Why is it so hard for me to be semi-normal?

Unless dude is into girls who can't string words together or even manage to try and be cool than I am out of luck.

Isn't this how a romantic comedy starts?
Except my life isn't a movie. *I totally wish it was though.
Even if it was it would just be a comedy. No romance.

But alas life is good, I got a great dress on Wednesday and I got a free smoothie and a guy told me I was pretty while I rang him up at Old Navy (I didn't have on any makeup that day either)

Changed!

In books authors always describe a change that you can feel in the air or a change that reaches out and grabs you. Or they talk about someone going away for a while and then when they came back they were changed somehow and you can see it.

I saw it, yes I saw the change in a person! It was so weird. 

Let's say I saw this person lets call him Sharon and I hadn't seen them in round abouts a few years. We didn't acknowledge each other the first time we ran into each other again.

And then a time came for it and I to speak and it hugged me and muttered insincere "Ive missed you"s or come visit me"s or other random grossness.

When it hugged me I felt it leave bad energy and vibes on me. I could have mucked it off in a barrel if it had been visible or solid. It wasn't until tonight that I realized what the feeling was.

It was the feeling of change. It washed over me as we entered the same rooms, passed on the same streets, boarded the same elevators. Sharon had not changed for the better and after some investigating I found out why!

Dun dun duuuuuunnnnununununu! ( <-----Dramatic musics<-------)

It and it's significant other recently split!!! (Scandalous)

This is why the change had come over Sharon! (Scandalicious)


I call tell the changes and I can tell them from the wind!
You can try to vex me but my mind won't ever bend!

Cause I can smell the changes and I smell them on the sea!
You will never know them cause you ain't me!

Yo I can feel the changes I kin feel them the earthf!
Yeah you better go and find yoself a smurf!

I can taste the changes I can taste them in the air!
You feel me? Cause you better  or I fuck you up, I swear.

Understanding

So many people get me in so many different ways and I appreciate it more than anyone knows.

But can you completely understand me, ever, can I ever fully understand myself?

I honestly don't know.

Today I went to my first yoga class and at the end we meditate. I realized that I need more physical strength, and that I have such a great emotional strength and I am strong. At meditation, as the trippy cool Indian music played I was laying on the floor and above my chest I envisioned this golden light, it was bright and there were birds in it and voices and mouths and vines and everything was there. It was like a tornado but less violent, it was a tornado of peace.

I looked up at the ceiling and I thought this is an important moment in the movie of my life. It was a shot, the main character realizes something important or it shapes them in some way. I don't know exactly what it was, but I know it was there and I can't wait to see what I learned.

Things happen and people change and you can't always understand and there are somethings I will never understand that some people might have an infinite knowledge about, that doesn't mean they are any better or that I am any better or less than, it just means that we differ.

Life is a quest for understanding and knowledge, but also a quest to accept that you can't understand everything and that is okay.

Its all good, just know what you know and strive to learn and I think that is what will make me happiest and help me to understand more and be more understanding.

Knowing that I don't have to understand to be understanding.

No One In Particular

You

You're as shallow as a teaspoon

And you think you're deeper than a well

You say you'll go to heaven

While I know you'll go to hell

And I don't why I know you

And I don't know why we're friends 

You're never there when I need you
and somehow everyone else is

Just know that when it ends
it ends

No go backs or do overs
This isn't childhood again

Best friends forever?
Whatever. You think you're so clever?

I can't even count the dramatic acts you've put me through
Most plays only have 2

We must be on 17
Some plays have 5

and that is too many for me even
and I act


You act too
You act pretty and all knowing and naive and ugly and shy and confident and everything at once
You're like a book of emotions and colors and songs

No wonder they all love you
They can all have a different you
You change for everyone else, but not for yourself

At least I know who I am
At least I know who you aren't

When You're Gone

I just finished Never Let Me Go By Kazuo Ishiguro and I have also been watching Weeds and thinking about a lot of stuff as of late so this sort of is my solid mix of weird emotions and what the book and show just got me thinking about.

"I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it's just too much. The current's too strong. They've got to let go, drift apart. That's how I think it is with us. It's a shame, Kath, because we've loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can't stay together forever."

Tommy to Kath in Never Let Me Go

When You're Gone I'll feel sentimental. I'll be lonely and upset and angry at you for leaving me in this cold desolate world alone.

But while I am waiting for you the world doesn't feel cold and desolate at all.  It feels good.

I mean I know you're out there and you are keeping me warm with your thoughts and your longing for me just like I am longing for you. It helps to know that right?

The world is a really good place while we are both in it even though we may still be waiting and separate. Every experience I have I really can't wait to share.

When I think I see you or even meet you and then come to find out I didn't, a little flicker of fear lights up in my mind like grease fire or those birthday candles you just can't blow out no matter what. Then your breath, I am sure it is you, you blow it out. It's gentle though and it is simple, no one else could blow out that candle until you came into my head. It's just enough to knock the fear back and wake me like a cool blast of air conditioning on a July afternoon.

Most of the time sleep comes easily to me. The blankets wash over me like waves crash on the beach and i drown in the ocean soft plush cotton fabric. Some nights though, I'll remember falling asleep in someone else's arms. Arms other than my own. The arms have always been loving and never hurtful, they've cradled me as I've cried, held me just because I needed to be held by someone. The hands have gently caressed my face, dried my tears, swept over my cheek just to feel my skin, tilted my chin up to look me in the eyes and to make me smile. I can't help but feel that the arms and hands of these friends will be nothing compared to yours.

The nights sleep won't come, I lay on my side and close my eyes and I tell myself to just wait and then I feel a presence around me. I imagine your body wrapped around mine, I see it from above. Yes we are spooning, totally spooning. Your chin is on my shoulder and I turn my head to awkwardly look at your face and I know I 'm happy.

So I'm hopeful too. And maybe even if we never find each other we can go through life knowing that we never had to lose each other either and we can just grow old and still have the hope of our youth. I'll hope to find you though, I will keep an eye out and when or if it happens we will both know. I know that.

I'm already sentimental and we haven't even begun...

Silly Cynical Sarah

While at my parent's house (yeah they still live in the village) recently my family was gathered in the living room and kitchen. We are trying to decide where to put the Christmas tree this year because we have 2 new kittens that are still really rambunctious. My 18 year old little big brother thinks that if we put it in the living room just like usual it will be fine, my Mom and I think differently. My Dad agrees with us too, but doesn't put much of an opinion in. There is really not a "good" place to put it, so we basically sort of decide for now on the dining room. 

Now if you knew us you would know that no matter where we put up the damn tree we will have to clean out a place for it, because we have entirely too much stuff for a family of four. My Mom goes into the dining room and starts to take the light-bulbs out of our ceiling light fixture and also taking down the glass shades that encompass them. 

"So you are starting from the top and working your way down?" I say.

"Well it looks that way." My Mom replies with a laugh and a smile.

A little while later I am sitting on the couch playing spider solitaire, which I am great at, and Mom asked me how many light-bulbs the fan in my room has. 

I say "3, no 4. Yeah the fan that You guys made me buy with my Christmas money one year has 4 bulbs." 

She said she didn't remember, but I do. I got an abnormally large amount of money for Christmas one year while we were remodeling and then I asked when was I going to get a light fixture for my newly redone jungle themed room. My parents, bless them, told me that I got to buy my own. I don't think my Dad remembered it either but it sounded like something he would say. He added that I was lucky that he didn't charge me extra to install it.

(They never remember stuff like that. My Mom probably doesn't even remember the time I left my wallet in the hospital waiting room and when we went back for it the wallet had been turned in, but the money in it had been stolen! The wallet wasn't even worth anything, it was leopard print with a pink lining just like everything else I owned at that stage in my life. Inside that fuzzy little wallet was at least 40 dollars AND an Old Navy gift card. Mom told me she would give me some more money but when I asked her for it she told me that the money she spent on me while we were shopping counted. I was pissed.) 

"Usually that would have cost an extra $50." He chuckles.

"Well I guess I should be glad that you cut me a deal." I sarcastically reply.

"How do you remember stuff like that? Why not good stuff?" Mom asks like she actually thinks I think that I didn't have a super awesome childhood with really great parents! I know I had a super great childhood with really fantastic parents! I turned out wonderfully!-No sarcasm in those last 2 sentences. 

This girl replies that she does remember the good stuff but that nobody wants to hear that. They want to hear funny stuff or really weird stuff. 

Lots of good stuff happened in my childhood and some of it is really funny too.

I have just always been really selfish when it comes to my money and I felt that I shouldn't have to use my Christmas money to buy a ceiling fan!!!! I wanted to use it to buy, well I don't even remember now, but I am sure it was awesome and I would be using it right now instead of writing this blog.-Heavy sarcasm in that last sentence. 

Here is a good sweet story that still involves my money:

The summer before forth grade my family went to Disney World! The first day we went to Animal Kingdom and spent a lot of money. One of the days we went to see the A Bug's Life 3D show and Neil and Mom had to leave because it was making  Neil sick. Ha ha. Dad and I stayed, but I got scared and ended up spending some of the show in the floor holding onto my Dad's leg. While we were leaving the show I remember one of the Disney workers telling my parents to watch out because someday I would be chasing off guys with a baseball bat (boy was that asshole wrong). I am almost certain I questioned my parents what that meant, and I do not recall their answer. They probably just said that it was because I was so cute, which was true. Anyways we had a great time and Cinderella was defiantly the nicest female character. Chip and Dale were totally hitting on my Mom while we ate at this sort of scary spinning restaurant. I could not for the life of me understand why I could not go into the castle, my name does mean princess after all. 


Oh and I spent lots of money on ridiculous things. Neil and I both went on vacation with a certain amount of money that my Mom kept for us. When we got back she said we both had 20 bucks left. I told her I thought I spent all of my money on vacation. She told me that Neil and I both did, but that she didn't want us to not have any. :) 


My mom is still super sweet.


Neil still gets motion sickness.

Dad is still teaching me the value of cash and I am sure he would still let me hold onto his leg if I was scared.

I don't know what I would do without any of them and I still really like cash (Old Navy gift cards, not so much)