Baby You'd Be There

Once you left work and almost got fired
Just to see me shine

It means so much when someone sees you shine

I can't tell if I'm shining if no ones there to see

As I sit on the stage holding back stupid childish tears,
yawning not out of boredom but out of sheer exhaustion because I have been working my ass off at not only
this, but at work and school and life, as well

I realize this is what its all about.
It's about feeling like shit, because something let you down, and pushing through it
using that emotional charge to get lifted up to where you need to be.

It's about feeding off of those close to you,
Taking their energy for your own,
knowing that they love you and care and
so does everyone seated below you and those controlling things from above.

Its about paying attention to small details storing them for complements later,
sharing that vagina love.

Its about appreciating those 2 people sitting by themselves in the audience
knowing you have their support and that is all you need.

Its about the effort put in and
then that moment of peace
when the lights hit your face
and you stand
and the words flow out of your mouth like rain from the sky.
The easiness amazes you and you're away, but you're there and you disappear in what you say

                     And its such a lovely feeling, you know.

I'm Stupid, but Happy.

I started writing this last night and it turned into something not appropriate for the internet at this time. I will post it somewhere eventually I am sure.

But today I proclaimed myself the most awkward creature ever.

There are millions of people more awkward than me. I know that. Awkward Bob down the street knows that.

I am not awkward, when I am confident or I know or I know you don't like me.
but oh boy iffffff you like me
and I don't know you very well
shit.

I suck at flirting, I know how. I do, I swear.

I can do it in the car, after initial interactions.

and I kick myself for not saying that witty clever thing that I know would have made you fall madly in love with me.

I suck.

I can act like I am flirting.

I can flirt with gay guys or girls or old people.

But not with people I actually like, unless I know they like me too and even then...

I still suuuuuuuuuck!
----------------------------------------------------
Interaction

Boy who might like me and who I like for sure: Hey

Sarah: Hey

Boy(looks at Sarah)

Sarah(tries to smile and turns away and leaves)
------------------------------------------------

Fuck, I suck.

Why is it so hard for me to be semi-normal?

Unless dude is into girls who can't string words together or even manage to try and be cool than I am out of luck.

Isn't this how a romantic comedy starts?
Except my life isn't a movie. *I totally wish it was though.
Even if it was it would just be a comedy. No romance.

But alas life is good, I got a great dress on Wednesday and I got a free smoothie and a guy told me I was pretty while I rang him up at Old Navy (I didn't have on any makeup that day either)

Changed!

In books authors always describe a change that you can feel in the air or a change that reaches out and grabs you. Or they talk about someone going away for a while and then when they came back they were changed somehow and you can see it.

I saw it, yes I saw the change in a person! It was so weird. 

Let's say I saw this person lets call him Sharon and I hadn't seen them in round abouts a few years. We didn't acknowledge each other the first time we ran into each other again.

And then a time came for it and I to speak and it hugged me and muttered insincere "Ive missed you"s or come visit me"s or other random grossness.

When it hugged me I felt it leave bad energy and vibes on me. I could have mucked it off in a barrel if it had been visible or solid. It wasn't until tonight that I realized what the feeling was.

It was the feeling of change. It washed over me as we entered the same rooms, passed on the same streets, boarded the same elevators. Sharon had not changed for the better and after some investigating I found out why!

Dun dun duuuuuunnnnununununu! ( <-----Dramatic musics<-------)

It and it's significant other recently split!!! (Scandalous)

This is why the change had come over Sharon! (Scandalicious)


I call tell the changes and I can tell them from the wind!
You can try to vex me but my mind won't ever bend!

Cause I can smell the changes and I smell them on the sea!
You will never know them cause you ain't me!

Yo I can feel the changes I kin feel them the earthf!
Yeah you better go and find yoself a smurf!

I can taste the changes I can taste them in the air!
You feel me? Cause you better  or I fuck you up, I swear.

Understanding

So many people get me in so many different ways and I appreciate it more than anyone knows.

But can you completely understand me, ever, can I ever fully understand myself?

I honestly don't know.

Today I went to my first yoga class and at the end we meditate. I realized that I need more physical strength, and that I have such a great emotional strength and I am strong. At meditation, as the trippy cool Indian music played I was laying on the floor and above my chest I envisioned this golden light, it was bright and there were birds in it and voices and mouths and vines and everything was there. It was like a tornado but less violent, it was a tornado of peace.

I looked up at the ceiling and I thought this is an important moment in the movie of my life. It was a shot, the main character realizes something important or it shapes them in some way. I don't know exactly what it was, but I know it was there and I can't wait to see what I learned.

Things happen and people change and you can't always understand and there are somethings I will never understand that some people might have an infinite knowledge about, that doesn't mean they are any better or that I am any better or less than, it just means that we differ.

Life is a quest for understanding and knowledge, but also a quest to accept that you can't understand everything and that is okay.

Its all good, just know what you know and strive to learn and I think that is what will make me happiest and help me to understand more and be more understanding.

Knowing that I don't have to understand to be understanding.

No One In Particular

You

You're as shallow as a teaspoon

And you think you're deeper than a well

You say you'll go to heaven

While I know you'll go to hell

And I don't why I know you

And I don't know why we're friends 

You're never there when I need you
and somehow everyone else is

Just know that when it ends
it ends

No go backs or do overs
This isn't childhood again

Best friends forever?
Whatever. You think you're so clever?

I can't even count the dramatic acts you've put me through
Most plays only have 2

We must be on 17
Some plays have 5

and that is too many for me even
and I act


You act too
You act pretty and all knowing and naive and ugly and shy and confident and everything at once
You're like a book of emotions and colors and songs

No wonder they all love you
They can all have a different you
You change for everyone else, but not for yourself

At least I know who I am
At least I know who you aren't