Spring Cleaning: My Real Title is Inappropriate

A Great Big Fuck You

I am not as fragile as a flower, or as shallow as an hour or a shower for that matter.

I am as deep as a week and sometimes a month if I try.

I am strong as lily. They always come up early and get crushed back to the earth by frost and cold, but they come back, stronger and in greater numbers. 

They come back year after year.

I’m sick of complaining, and being frustrated, mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally,

all those words end in Ally. But in this sense they sure are not.

They are shitttttttty. Shitty I tell you shitty.

Real allies are there for you, even while you complain or get broken or cold.

Sure I’m breakable, mistakable, not-take-able, unreachable, reachable, able. I am able.

That is what I’ll be for me and for everyone who matters.

But not for you, never for you.

I’ll be able and strong and an ally and deep.

This is my clean sweep, 

my emotional spring cleaning, 

goodbye and good riddance skeletons in my closet, 

give the ghosts of the past the finger if you see them. 

Tell them I haved moved on and I am on my merry way.

Give them the finger and tell them to have a nice life.

A list of crushes, relationships and everything.

To you with your eyes as blue as the ocean

Remember when you carried me across the playground, because I didn't have on shoes. I don't even remember why I wasn't wearing shoes. I know you knew about the crush. I wonder though if you ever believed the story about the pencil? Well  it wasn't true.

To you who everyone dated and for once I was included

I broke up with you because you called my cousin a name. I still don't take kindly to that. You said you were just kidding, I knew better. You were a boy and a coward. I was better off without you. I knew these things before any of my friends did.

To all those boys who asked me to dance with them at dances

Thank you so much.

To you who I dated forever and never had a date with.

I remember when we danced together and then we were dating. Mostly though I remember after staying to help clean up with my Mom and our family. I remember while they cleaned I jumped from chair to chair around the walls saying in a sing songy voice "I have a boyfriend! I have a boyfriend." I was still wearing my white velvet awesome dress, no one told me to stop. We were young and all our relationship meant was that we always had a date to the next dance and then I broke up with you, for someone else.

I was entering high school and was finally pretty.

I wonder if you are still the same person I knew. I am sure you aren't, I am not the same. I tried to change even when I was still with you and I could not. You said you didn't like it. If it had been up to you I would have stayed as innocent as I was when I first met you and you didn't like me at first either, it was another girl who caught your eye. Then I did and you did pick me over others every time. I miss that, I miss being picked. I wonder if you still have to take all of your clothes off when you go to the bathroom. I don't know why I wonder that, but I do. I broke your heart and that sucks, but you broke my spirit long before I did any wrong to you. You broke me in the guise of love and I believed it. Sometimes I still believe it. Then a glimmer of hope emerges and a friend, a real true friend, holds my heart and reminds me. I don't even know why I am writing this.

To you, you beautiful beautiful brainless man

Okay, I don't think you are brainless. You did everything right and then you tried to control me.

To all the dates and hookups in between....

To you sexy man hunk you

Yep that was just hopeless and then spark and cue awkward. I have wasted enough time poetically and otherwise on you.

To all the drunken nights

You each served your purpose perfectly.

Finally to you

I was completely enamored by you
and then shoved off of a cliff
to be
eaten by wild animals.

Thanks for that.
Now it might be even longer until this list has a happy ending asshole.

You want a show?

You want to see a show
You want to be entertained

You want a show
Walk up to my window

See the girl live and breathe
See her laugh
See her mistakes
See her the way she sees herself

Walk up to any window

See the families
See the happiness
See the struggles

Walk up to my window

See me cry
See real emotion
See behind the smile and polite conversation
See me how I see myself

If only life was made of glass
It is fragile and beautiful and can be twisted and molded into nearly anything
It is not transparent

You can keep pulling back layers forever