I just finished Never Let Me Go By Kazuo Ishiguro and I have also been watching Weeds and thinking about a lot of stuff as of late so this sort of is my solid mix of weird emotions and what the book and show just got me thinking about.
"I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it's just too much. The current's too strong. They've got to let go, drift apart. That's how I think it is with us. It's a shame, Kath, because we've loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can't stay together forever."
Tommy to Kath in Never Let Me Go
When You're Gone I'll feel sentimental. I'll be lonely and upset and angry at you for leaving me in this cold desolate world alone.
But while I am waiting for you the world doesn't feel cold and desolate at all. It feels good.
I mean I know you're out there and you are keeping me warm with your thoughts and your longing for me just like I am longing for you. It helps to know that right?
The world is a really good place while we are both in it even though we may still be waiting and separate. Every experience I have I really can't wait to share.
When I think I see you or even meet you and then come to find out I didn't, a little flicker of fear lights up in my mind like grease fire or those birthday candles you just can't blow out no matter what. Then your breath, I am sure it is you, you blow it out. It's gentle though and it is simple, no one else could blow out that candle until you came into my head. It's just enough to knock the fear back and wake me like a cool blast of air conditioning on a July afternoon.
Most of the time sleep comes easily to me. The blankets wash over me like waves crash on the beach and i drown in the ocean soft plush cotton fabric. Some nights though, I'll remember falling asleep in someone else's arms. Arms other than my own. The arms have always been loving and never hurtful, they've cradled me as I've cried, held me just because I needed to be held by someone. The hands have gently caressed my face, dried my tears, swept over my cheek just to feel my skin, tilted my chin up to look me in the eyes and to make me smile. I can't help but feel that the arms and hands of these friends will be nothing compared to yours.
The nights sleep won't come, I lay on my side and close my eyes and I tell myself to just wait and then I feel a presence around me. I imagine your body wrapped around mine, I see it from above. Yes we are spooning, totally spooning. Your chin is on my shoulder and I turn my head to awkwardly look at your face and I know I 'm happy.
So I'm hopeful too. And maybe even if we never find each other we can go through life knowing that we never had to lose each other either and we can just grow old and still have the hope of our youth. I'll hope to find you though, I will keep an eye out and when or if it happens we will both know. I know that.
I'm already sentimental and we haven't even begun...
